


Perdition without you

by im_just_better_fictionally



Category: The Newsroom (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-17
Updated: 2014-06-21
Packaged: 2017-12-26 20:59:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/970233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/im_just_better_fictionally/pseuds/im_just_better_fictionally
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because their living in their very own self made perdition and they really don't want to be. Spoiler until about episode 2:04.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When page 6 breaks the scoop, Mac is holed up in her office blissfully unaware.

In fact, the only reason she finds out is because some intern (and once Mac remembers to breathe again she'll also remember the interns name) asks her if this means Will's going to need a plus one at the companies annual dinner gala next month. When Mac finally manages to swallow the knot forming in her throat to ask for clarification the article placed on her desk takes her breathe away.

Love is in the tabloids; ACN Anchor Will McAvoy and gossip columnist Nina Howard caught on date.

Suddenly Mac is broken hearted and dying inside and surely she's bleeding somewhere because nobody could be in this much pain and not have sliced skin to show for it. She can't think about anything except that this is her fault and she needs to get out of here and how did she fuck everything up so badly that once again her world is imploding?

She finds herself at Jerry's office telling him that she's come down with some sort of debilitating illness and he'll have to take over for tonight. She can't help but wish Jim were here because Jim was like a brother and he would listen to all her angst teenage heartache without judgement because he loved Maggie and he fucking knew how she was feeling. So she takes the taxi home and she can't remember much from the journey except hearing the words 'Will', 'Nina', and 'caught on date' on loop through her head like a horror movie.

The first thing she does when she arrives in her apartment is get out a spoon and ice cream but then she remembers that Will doesn't love her and she trades in the ice cream for tequila. She drinks shot after shot until the afternoon has arrived and she's so blind drunk she can't remember her own name let alone why she feels like something is tearing at her heart from the inside out.

Eventually she goes to take another swig only to find the tequila bottle empty so with nothing else but her misery to occupy her she scrolls through the messages from Will from the past few months. She has an unfortunate feeling she can't call him Billy anymore, and though it's a stupid pet name, she can't help missing it, miss teasing him with it just as she'd teased him for sleeping with someone as clearly crazy as Sloan's gun carrying friend.

She doesn't know what time it is when her phone starts ringing only that it's dark and not Will. She answers (because if anyone can help her at this point then she'll be eternally grateful) not surprised when it's Jim on the other side.

"I just heard Mac." There's a short pause where she can hear him sigh in sympathy. "Are you okay?"

"No but I'll get there. I think okay might exist at the bottom of my tequila bottle." If Jim hears the wobble in her voice then he's polite enough not to point it out, to not expose her to the fraud she is.

"So you're not going to… you know?"

"Quit? No Jim, I promise you I won't quit." And that's true because as pathetic as it is the only think Mackenzie can think of that is worse than seeing Will everyday is not seeing Will everyday. She can hear his sigh of relief and wishes she could feel anything close but she can't and the best she can do is help Jim not destroy his life. "Don't give up on Maggie Jim. You hear me? She loves you I know it, just be patient."

"Sure Mac." She hangs up with a promise of trying to sleep and as much as she knows it's useless and a uphill battle she never the less climbs into her sheets, hoping for the oblivion that is sleep may be found.

A few days later when the hang over from hell finally subsides she manages to find it within herself to go to work.

Then she sees Will sitting before her desk and tears fill her eyes and she must be a fucking masochist to think she was ready for this hell. Because that's what this is, it is her very own person perdition and what makes it worse is that it's all her fucking fault. She brushes away a tear with the back of her hand. The events of the past few days have made her an emotional wreck. Yesterday she even caught herself reading Sylvia Plath.

"Mac." He looks like he hasn't slept the last few day and it makes her heart break a little bit more because the last thing she ever wanted was for him to feel even a fraction of the heartache she's been experiencing the past few days. She has to avert her eyes though because her world is already collapsing in on her and if she gets lost in those beautiful blue eyes of his again she's not sure she'll be able to be found. She's not sure if she'll want to be.

"You need to leave my office right now William." She's still staring out her office window briefly entertaining the notion of jumping out of it because surely she couldn't anymore? Surely that's not physically possible? Because she still feels like falling in some dark abyss.

"Mac, I want to apologise. You never should have fou-"

"You need to stop Will." Because if he doesn't he might kill her. "You don't owe me anything. Not a thing."

"That's not tru-"

"I fucked up Billy! I fucked up five years ago." And doesn't she know it. She remembers years ago how she'd freaked out inside at just his simple, earnest I'm not interested in anyone else, because though she'd accepted that she had certain, special feelings about him, she didn't want to consider that he felt the same way, because then, by not telling him that she loved him and making things serious, she was just playing with his heart. She'd been too scared to tell him, too scared he might not feel the same way to even consider telling him, because she didn't want to get hurt again, or have her heart broken. Of course, now that it was over, she knows that he did try to tell her, a lot of times, a lot of ways, and that she's the one, this time, who got her own heart broken. And it is really broken because she can't even manage a smile for the man she loves. "This hurts Billy! Standing here, talking to you, it really fucking hurts. So, if you feel any care for me what so ever you'll just get out. So I can sit here and cry and try to live with the fact I not only broke your heart but that I broke my own."

It's only when he leaves that she allows herself to truly break down because she's heartbroken and alone and she really can't see anytime in the future when she'll be able to move on the way Will has. There is so much she wants (no fucking needs) to tell him. That when he's sitting next to her in a staff meeting or talking to her through an ear piece that she ever wants to do is stare at him, kiss him, make love to him, beg him to be with her or marry her or whatever it takes just so he'll say that he loves her, because that's all she wants, for him to look at her the way he use to and to once again tell her every single minute of every single day that he loves her as much as she loves him. Because she does and all she wants to do is scream it from a megaphone and swear to him that she'll never ever in a million years hurt him the same way again.

She won't though because she swore to herself that she'll finally do right by him and move on. Well, not move on because that im-fucking-possible but at the very least she'll allow him to move on. So instead she'll sit in her office getting hammered, because if he doesn't love you then why bother following Daylight Savings Time.

When her and Will's story breaks she's sitting in her office painfully aware.

To be continued…


	2. Will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The thing is… he has a girlfriend and he's happy with Nina. He's not looking for an escape route or contract renegotiations. That's not the way he works. He has no issue with fidelity.
> 
> So why is that when he looks into the broken eyes of Mackenzie McHale does he feel like the biggest cheater of them all?

Not Mine.

The thing is… he has a girlfriend and he's happy with Nina. He's not looking for an escape route or contract renegotiations. That's not the way he works. He has no issue with fidelity.

So why is that when he looks into the broken eyes of Mackenzie McHale does he feel like the biggest cheater of them all?

When he first asked Nina out for diner, Mackenzie wasn't even on his mind. In fact if it hadn't been for Nina's you forgot I heard the message he might have even been able to not think about Mac for a whole five minute but she said it and he thought it and ever since that one sentence he knew he was screwed.

He asked her out a second time because he's persistent and he feels like he needs to prove that he doesn't love Mackenzie again (because you can't love some again if you never stopped) and the only way he can't think to do that is by fucking Nina.

So he did.

He's a smart guy. An intelligent guy. He thinks that might be both his best and worst quality.

After all it got him out of that hell hole home full of beatings and misery and a fucked up future and if he hadn't of left he never would have been at that news station to fall in love with Mackenzie.

Then again at the same time if he hadn't been such a fucking thinker then maybe he wouldn't have over evaluated the whole Mackenzie debacle and just gone with his fucking heart. Then maybe he'd been in his office fucking Mac and not Nina and what the fuck is he saying because he's meant to want Nina in his bed and Mac six-feet deep in a grave.

The problem is fuck- and he means it- fuck he misses Mac.

He misses her in the way the way a diabetic misses chocolate. It's not that he can't do without her, it's not like he cries about her in his bed at night (so what, maybe it happened once, it doesn't mean anything and shut the fuck up) it's just that, fuck, he misses her.

He misses her lilting accent and the way she scowls when he'd tease about her Englishness (because I'm a fucking American Billy!) but most of all he misses how they'd say the same thing at the exact same time.

But missing isn't the same as forgiving and he certainly hasn't finished hating her just yet. Punishing Mackenzie McHale is a pastime and one that he hates with every single piece of him but he goes through it anyway because that's what is expected of him. During their one embrace, right after the whole Rudy thing, he'd almost changed his mind about the whole I can't forgive her, I can't forgive her, I can't forgive her mentality. With her arms wrapped around him so tightly he didn't know how he could ever let go. And yet, he had. And now he fucking hates himself for it. For ever letting her fucking go.

He wishes he could take their relationship all the way back to the very first day they met because he didn't know who she was exactly but he loved her legs. Like, seriously those were some excellent legs, long, lean, sexy. And her hair. Brown and curly and streaming down the back of her even sexier suit. It was all so much and he's pretty sure he fell in love with her before he even heard that voice.

And he thinks that's why he was so screwed when he talked to her in her office because when she came in her hair was curlier then usual and she was wearing a skirt and fuck he knows he shouldn't be finding her hot but he's a man after all and he just can't stop.

But then she looks at him and he's lost in those eyes. Eyes so broken and full of despair and fuck it's his entire fault and he probably, definitely should have told her about Nina.

"Mac." Because that's all he can manage to say with that I'm fucking hurting look in her eyes.

"You need to leave my office right now William." And he's not sure what he's expecting but it's not that because she's always fought and now she's not she's just ordering that he leaves and more fucking sorry now then he ever has been before. He needs to apologies, to wipe himself of these sins and although he's never been overly religious he suddenly feels like he needs to go to confession and just let loose because he's been an ass and he should apologize. So he tries.

"Mac, I want to apologise. You never should have fou-" And he knows he apologizing for the wrong thing but fuck he's just not quite ready for anything else and he knows when she cuts him off that it just wont do.

"You need to stop Will." And he does. He needs to stop hating her and he knows that not what she's talking about but it's all he can think about. "You don't owe me anything. Not a thing."

And he knows full well that's a lie. She came back into his life and the line of fire and saved him and his career and he owes her everything yet has given her nothing. And if he's being honest he may as well admit it.

"That's not tru-"

"I fucked up Billy! I fucked up five years ago." And sure that may be true but he feels the sudden need to take some of the blame because he knew back then she wasn't ready to be loved and yet he insisted on it. Insisted on her moving in and he forget sometimes that she's a decade younger and scared. He knows she made the fucking awful decision to go and fuck Brian just as much as he knows how easy he made it for her and just as he goes to admit this to her she takes a fucking baseball bat to his soul. "This hurts Billy! Standing here, talking to you, it really fucking hurts. So, if you feel any care for me what so ever you'll just get out. So I can sit here and cry and try to live with the fact I not only broke your heart but that I broke my own."

He's not sure what to do (or even how to breathe and this point) and so all he does is turn around and escape to his office because although running away has always been her thing he's still pretty good at it. He goes to his office and he's still not entirely sure what to do just that he has to do something so he grabs his blackberry and that's when he gets it.

Another text message from Nina.

He almost laughs when he realizes that in that whole conversation he never even thought about Nina even though it was all fucking about Nina yet when he tries to talk to Nina all he can think about is Mac He almost laughs but then he realizes how much it fucking hurts to love Mackenzie and he almost starts to cry. Only he's never been the best at emotions and in a quick fucked up minute decides that reading a replying to Nina will fucking fix everything.

Yeah it fucking fixes everything except anything.

Hey William. Mine tonight? X

And he knows it childish but he hates being called William. It feel like he's being scolded for his mother and he longs to be called Billy but instead of making that a possibility he's turned into an impossibility.

He thinks this might be his very own self made Perdition and this thought does nothing but make him hate himself more because this time round it's all his fucking fault.

Then the guilt hits him. Nina never been anything but nice since they started dating and she's his girlfriend and he's meant to be falling in love with her and he can't do that if he doesn't spend time with her and spending time with her is not meant to be akin to being in the fiery depth of his hell.

Yeah. Be there at 7 x

The thing is… he has a girlfriend and he's happy with Nina. He's not looking for an escape route or contract renegotiations. That's not the way he works. He has no issue with fidelity.

So why is that when he sees the broken eyes of Mackenzie McHale does he feel like the biggest cheater of them all?


	3. Nina

To be honest she knew from the very beginning exactly how this story would end.

That doesn't mean this hurts any less.

When Nina Howard first met Will McAvoy at the New Years Eve party she was taken aback. He was nothing like she imagined him and she had imagined him a fucking lot. He was nice and charming and certainly affable nothing like the Vertigo addicted journalist she had been expecting.

Then Mackenzie walked on over and she suddenly it hit her.

The Will she had been expecting was Will of the past three years. The Will that didn't have Mackenzie and the Will that just didn't care. But in the past 6 months everything had changed and the Will that Nina didn't know was back.

The problem was the Will that would sleep with her was the Will that no longer existed and the Will she wanted was the Will that wasn't Mac's.

So she knew she was screwed from the very beginning but there was a reason that Will felt the need to civilise her.

And that's because Nina is not nice.

She knew on New Years Eve that he wasn't available, knew that he was Mac's; so she made it abundantly clear that she was a sure thing. She wonders what's with that because she's almost certain she wasn't like this when she was younger.

Because when she was younger she was kind and idealistic and just starting out and wanting to save the world. Then she got a taste of fame and gossip and told herself she was still saving the world but just from rich women with too much plastic surgery.

The morning after the Bin Ladin broadcast she gets an email and she realises she was fucking screwed over. She got fucking civilised.

Suddenly she doesn't want to destroy and take down and humiliate but help and save and tip off Mackenzie. Because she's been given a conscience and humility and then left for dead because no matter how much time she spends with Will she still knows Mackenzie already marked her territory. It's not fair she wants to scream but then her new found good nature takes hold and she backs off of the cliff that will end in her falling for a taken man.

Nina really does try to back off and she was never going to actually write the story about 9/11 because you're forgetting the fact that she's almost about to fall for the guy and she's apparently a good person.

But then he asked her out and she tried to turn him down because he doesn't love her and he loves Mac and he can't really deny it because she heard voicemail with her own ears and nobody can fake that sort of love but your forgetting that she's still a girl and turning down amazing men is no easy task.

When he asked her out the second time she said yes because even good people have their limits and she still new at the whole conscience thing and for fucks sake he bought her flowers and chocolate and it's been so long since that's happened. So she let herself revel in that evil side, one last time and decidedly broke Mackenzie heart with a simple he said you were excellent.

She tries her best to ignore the fact that he knows so little about her that the chocolate and flowers aren't even the ones she likes.

The next few weeks are equally a dream and a nightmare because she's trying her best not to fall in love but with the restaurants and his glorious skills in bed it's no easy task. She wishes she could just let herself fall but she won't because she also knows as soon that as she does he'll finally find Mackenzie.

Being a good person fucking sucks.

To be honest she was expecting page 6 to break the story much sooner then when it did. She wasn't naïve. She's a fucking gossip columnist and she knew sooner than later somebody was going to see them. Neither of them can exactly blend in. So she wasn't surprised when it happened but she was even more surprised by Will's actions.

When Wills calls her after the story breaks she's certain he's going to end it with her. Because now Mac knows and if there's one person Will can't stand to hurt it's his precious fucking EP (and there's not even a hint of jealousy) but miraculously he only tells her maybe they should eat in tonight as he doesn't feel the need to be photographed again. She can't agree fast enough.

He brings her flowers and chocolates (still not her favourites but that doesn't meant they aren't any good) and treats her like a Queen and she thinks she might be ready to dive head first off of the cliff when it suddenly hit her. It's simply a case of a man over compensating. He doesn't love her, he never will but he's still too scared to actually chase after the person he is in love with. She should hate him for so clearly using her but after all the time they've spent together she can't help but feel sorry for him.

The good, kind part of her is back with a vengeance and it suck. Like majorly fucking sucks.

Hey William. Mine tonight? X

She invites him over because she's a good person and she doesn't want her 'old friend' Mackenzie to be in much more pain and she hopes after this concession they might actually be old friends. She has to do this one thing though cause you can't exactly be screwing the love of your friends lives. She's just musing over how life sucks that way when he replies.

Yeah. Be there at 7 x

By the time he arrives she's changed her outfit multiple times and planned out a new speech even more. So when he goes to kiss her she musters up everything ounce of strength and goodwill inside of her and pushes him away.

"Nina are yo-" She can hear his questioning tone but if she's going to be able to do this then she needs to follow the good old band aid theory. Rip it off quick and the pain shall be minimum. Yeah like that's going to be any fucking use.

"Will, we have to get real." Because as much as she wishes she could pretend that he's in love with her and not his EP she became a journalist for a reason and that's because she wants to expose truths and stop making up her own.

"I-I don't know what your talki-"

"I know I'm just a gossip columnist but after the last few weeks I at least deserve to hear the truth William. You love Mac."

"No, I promise you I don't. I respect her and sometimes I even miss her but after everything she did I don't think I can love her." Lie, lie, lie.

"Trust me when I tell you that people change William. If anyone were an example of the ability to transform it would be myself. For example a few months ago I would have revelled in the chance to write a take down piece all about your missus." And it's true and it's hard and if it weren't something she's sort of proud of she'd want to kill for what he's done to her.

"But she cheated on me. If she really love-"

"For fucks sake William. Move. On. We all screw up." For example Nina decided to date a man who she can't have.

"I know that and I want to forgive her so much but I just can't stop picturing her with him."

"Will she's does everything she can to make it up to you. People aren't defined by their mistakes but what they do to fix them and I think we all know Mac's taken every punishment thrown her way." She really hopes that's true because she doesn't want to just be the gossip columnist that went after his team one time anymore and if Mac cant be forgiven then why the fuck should she be.

"I don't know what to do."

"Go to her William. Kiss her, make love to her, marry her, have her bear your children and then fucking grow old together. It's pretty simple."

"What if she does it again?"

"She won't."

"You can't promise that."

"No but if she does anything to hurt you in that way again I'll beat her fucking English ass."

"She's American actually."

"So not the fucking point Will."

"You really think I should just be with her? That forgiveness will come in time."

"I think you'll find forgiveness when you can admit to her how you feel."

"I love her."

"I know. That's why I am stepping aside." Because she's a good person remember.

"I'm sorry Nina. I never wanted to hurt you."

"I know and you didn't." Or at least not very much.

"Still."

"Go William. Now."

"I will. Thankyou."

He leaves almost straight away and for that Nina is thankful because although she didn't fall in love she liked him a lot and she's starting to wonder if she'll ever find love or if it's going to be another failed experiment in the opposite sex after another.

Tomorrow or the day after she'll call Mac again and try to set up a lunch date because she's nice now and wants friends and maybe Mac has somebody to recommend for a date. That's what 'old friends' are for right? For tonight however she'll crawl into bed with a bottle of Vodka and a tub of Sara Lee ice cream and cry because she fucking started to care for Will and now he's only ever going to be a really great fucking friend.

To be honest she knew from the very beginning exactly how this story would end.

That doesn't mean this hurts any less.


	4. Mac

Asking Sloan for romantic advice is probably the worst idea since invading Russia but when her socially inept friends shows up at her door with a bottle of Vodka, she can't help herself.

Fuck she really needs another drink.

"How do you move from the love of your life?" She's not sure why she's bothering to ask because she knows it's impossible but she thinks its might be a mixture of the vodka from Sloan and the tequila she had earlier.

"Okay, that's enough alcohol for you." Mac almost laughs because usually that's what she'd being saying but fuck that now, the love of her life is fucking some blonde who writes trashy gossip and is meant to be a friend and if she wants to drink enough shots to end her life by ten years then she god damn can. After all they just would have been ten years without Will so she doesn't really feel like she's missing out.

"No, but seriously how do you start to move on?" Because she really needs to know these things if she's going to do thing like seeing him at work and not wanting to die. She wishes she could quit because running away really was always her first instinct and she thinks it's a sign of her growing up that now the only place she want to run is toward William Duncan McAvoy.

"I don't think you do Mac. I think you always love them." Well isn't that fucking bleak. Mac almost wishes she could hate Will but then the thought of not loving him takes hold of her mind and she suddenly feel the need to throw up. Maybe she should lay off the alcohol.

"I used to love Mondays." She really, really, fucking did and she thinks a apart of her still does because as much as she's heartbroken there is nothing quite like the sight of Will McAvoy to make a girls day better and that makes her mad at herself because she's mean to be trying to move on and fuck she's really has no idea how she going to do that. "The what the fuck happened?"

"You found out through page 6 that the man you have been in love with for 7 years is dating the same leggy blonde that was planning on writing a take down piece about you." Ouch, way to throw the punches Sloan. "Sorry."

"Now I can't wait for Friday's to roll around so I can get drunk enough to forget about Will." Mac knows full well that's a lie because she know with every cent she's sure to inherit that she'll never forget about Will. After all once upon a time Will was her favourite thing to do and she knew his body better than she knew her own.

"Give it time Mac. I'm sure they won't last." Mac really hopes that's true but somehow she doubts it because Nina is perfect for Will in al the ways that Mac isn't. Nina's a girl that Will wont have to worry about being able to take to Republican fundraising dinners without causing a scene. "I mean, really, she's a gossip columnist and sooner or later she'll do something to make Will realise she's not civilised."

"Or she'll go and be perfect and they'll have adorable as fuck blonde babies." She remembers the exact moment she realised that Will would be an excellent father. They had been doing a story on the adoption process and Will was interviewing a girl of 6 years about life in foster care and she suddenly she could picture the child they would have together. A little girl named Molly or Elizabeth or something equally beautiful and she would have Will's bluey eyes and smile but with her brunette curls and Will would love their little girl more than anything in the entire world even Mac herself. So the thought of little blonde gossiping bitches that Nina was sure to produce once again made her almost throw up.

"Yeah, I suppose that could happen too." Yeah, she was definitely going to throw up. "Sorry. Again." Yeah asking Sloan Sabbith for love advice was like asking Mac for economic advice – just not something someone did sober or sane. "Tell me what it is about when you first met." Other than the fact that it was the best moment of her fucking life.

"When I first saw him it was his eyes. They were so warm and intoxicating and god I couldn't tell you the first thing he ever said to me because I was so deeply lost in those eyes. Then about a week after we first met we had out first argument- he was a republican and pro George Bush and I actually thought I was going to kill him but then I don't know the debate was just so good and he could argue so well that before I knew it I had totally fallen for him. Hook, line and sinker he had me. Of course he was a perfect gentlemen and for the next month bought me my favourite flowers and coffee every morning and then finally exactly 6 weeks after we were first introduced he asked me out for dinner."

"And the rest is history." Yeah and it breaks her hear that it's not the future.

"Yeah, unfortunately the rest is still only history." Mac was just about to ask Sloan to leave because she's starting to become sober and that's not good and she needs more alcohol in her veins and she honestly doesn't think Sloan will aid her new found alcoholism when the doorbell rings.

At first she doesn't go to answer it because doesn't whoever it is know that her boyfriend is fucking somebody that's not her and she'd really rather be alone to drink but hen the person at the door starts to talk and suddenly it all changes.

It's Will.

It's fucking Will at the door and she almost laughs because she wishes she fucking Will at the door. Sex on walls always held a special spot in her heart.

"Mac. It's me. Please open the door."

She staring at the door daring it to open when suddenly it does and her alcohol fogged mind finally catches up to the fact that Sloan is no longer and her seat but at the door welcoming Will in and fuck she doesn't know what he's doing here but she thinks she might actually die.

"What do you want Will? What are you doing here?" She doesn't know where the attitude came from but come on she's drunk and hurting and tired and if he's come to fuck with her heart again then he can just forget it.

"I came to talk to you."

"I don't really feel in the mood to talk to you William." Really, she's just in the mood to fuck William. "Not after the past few days okay."

"Well that's too bad because I left earlier when I should have stayed and made you have this conversation with me." She almost too scared to even ask what conversation it is that because if he's going to fire her then she might actually kill herself. "I should have had this conversation months ago." Suddenly Mac becomes a whole lot sober and everything form the past few days that she tried to repress comes to the forefront and she falls to the ground crying. She's so out of it that she doesn't even remember Sloan is still there until Will is ordering her to leave. Out of nowhere she is being scooped up and carried somewhere and before she knows it she lying in her bed crying into Will's stomach.

After what feels like a lifetime but could just as easily be five minutes Mac finally find the ability to breathe and stop crying.

"Okay Mac, now that your calm we are going to have that talk."

Asking Sloan for romantic advice is probably the worst idea since invading Russia but when her socially inept friends shows up at her door with a bottle of Vodka, she can't help herself.

Fuck she really needs another drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. I promise another update tomorrow when I'm not so hungover. Which is why I currently am. Hungover that is. God, I'm glad New Year's Eve is an annual event. Very glad.


	5. Will

No matter what other may think this was not the way Will has planned to spend his evening. Then again he should have none better because for him everything ends with Mackenzie.

You need to leave my office right now William.

Guilt was a funny thing, well not so much funny as it was ironic, because although he has every right to feel guilty he's pretty sure the guilt he feels right this very second could only be accepted in the world of the topsy turvey. After all it's Nina that's his girlfriend and Mac who cheated on him so the guilt that keeps taking control of his mind body and soul really isn't actually warranted. Not to mention the fact that Nina has proved to herself to e a really fucking excellent girlfriend and he really should but her flowers. And chocolates. And whatever else you're meant to buy for someone you're pretending to love.

You don't owe me anything. Not a thing.

Because he really does like her but love? Well, love is a strong emotion and the last and only time he used it and meant it he was cheated on and heartbroken and was left resembling an angst ridden teenage girl. So he definitely doesn't love her but who was really expecting him to and just because he doesn't love her it doesn't mean he loves… anyone else.

Standing here, talking to you, it really fucking hurts.

He picks out some flowers and chocolates and he's probably a jerk because he has no idea if Nina even likes them and it occurs to him that if he's going to continue this charade he should probably put more time in research and development but for now he doesn't really care. Right now all he wants to do is put the broken eyes and tortured soul of Mackenzie Morgan McHale out of his mind.

Because I not only broke your heart but I broke my own.

When he finally makes to Nina's apartment, because he couldn't stomach having whatever they are at his apartment he's in for the shock of his life because when he goes to kiss Nina (because he's a good boyfriend and these are the things that good boyfriends do) she pushes him away. Now he's really secured himself the award for the most jackass boyfriend because it's only then does he noticed the pacing and the nervous energy exuding from his girlfriend. Nina is a good person though and he feels the need to fix whatever has acting this way.

"Nina are yo-"

"Will, we need to get real." And like some sick habit he has even with every part of his heart telling him his charade is over and he should celebrating he fight it with every part of him.

"I-I don't know what your talki-" Except he does and he really doesn't want to hear it.

"I know I'm just a gossip columnist but after the last few weeks I at least deserve to hear the truth William." Well, actually Nina you deserve a whole heap more. "You love Mac."

"No, I promise you I don't." Not even Will knows how he's managing to say this with a straight face and a strong voice because he certainly couldn't mean it. "I respect her and sometimes I even miss her but after everything she did I don't think I can lover her." He's pretty sure he's now just sentenced himself to eternal hell because isn't lying a sin but then at the same time he's pretty sure this life without Mac is already his perdition and could thing really get worse.

"Trust me when I tell you that people change William." Yeah, for example years ago Will was happy and now he doesn't even know what that word means. "If anyone were an example of the ability to transform it would be myself. For example a few months ago I would have revelled in the chance to write a take down piece all about your Missus." Oh how he wishes that were what she was – no wait he's meant to be heartbroken and sad and fucking angry and he's certainly not meant to want her back.

"But she cheated on me. If she really-" and he's almost glad that Nina cut him off because it really is fucking weak excuse.

"For fucks sake William. Move. On. We all screw up." For example Will reintroduced Brian Brenner because he didn't seem satisfied with how already fucked up their life was.

"I know and I want to forgive her so much but I just can't stop picturing her with him." If he actually verbally says the name he might actually physically vomit.

"Will she's does everything she can to make it up to you. People aren't defined by their mistakes but what they do to fix them and I think we all know Mac's taken every punishment thrown her way." Not that any of his punishments have even come close to the torture that she put herself through because he knows the real reason she went to a war zone and it fucking kills him more than he ever thought it should.

"I don't know what to do." And he really, really doesn't because he's not meant to want her. Oprah and Dr. Phil would tell him that she's bad energy but his hearts telling him that she's everything that matters and he relly just doesn't fucking know what to do.

"Go to her William. Kiss her, make love to her, marry her, have her bear your children and then fucking grow old together. It's pretty simple." Isn't that the dream because he didn't actually know he wanted kids until he met her. Now he really has one concern left.

"What if she does it again?"

"She won't."

"You can't promise that."

"No but if she does anything to hurt you in that way again I'll beat her fucking English ass."

"She's American actually."

"So not the fucking point Will."

"You really think I should just be with her? That forgiveness will come in time." Because he really needs to make sure of this.

"I think you'll find forgiveness when you can admit to her how you feel."

"I love her."

"I know. That's why I am stepping aside."

"I'm sorry Nina. I never wanted to hurt you." Because he really fucking didn't.

"I know and you didn't."

"Still."

"Go William. Now."

"I will. Thankyou." He rushes out the door and piles into the first cab he can see and before he's even formulated a plan he seems to be right outside Mackenzie's apartment and he swear he can feel the depression and sadness from outside the door. He rings the doorbell and it makes a much more cheerful sound then what's exactly appropriate because although he's ready and happy and there, he's not exactly sure what he's about to walk in on with Mac.

When no answer come he calls out and he thankful then for Sloan is short lived when he sees Mackenzie because he's not sure if he's ever seen anyone that broken before let alone the love of his life.

"What do you want Will? What are you doing here?" Her voice is broken and accusatory and although he knows he deserves it he still breaks his heart and he makes a silent promise to himself to make sure he never hears her talk that again after tonight.

"I came to talk to you." He says it like it's the most obvious thing in the world and for him it is because their Mac and Will and they've always been inevitable but for Mac it isn't because she's really forced herself to believe in the false reality of Nina and William.

"I don't really feel in the mood to talk to you William." Now she's really starting to concern him and he's really starting to think this isn't going to be as easy as he thought. He thought he'd walk into her apartment and with one look she'd be his but he looked at her and she's still broken and it's still his fault and he really wants to die himself now. "Not after the past few days okay." He has to stay and fight though because he wants her and after the past 24 months she deserves it.

"Well that's too bad because I left earlier when I should have stayed and made you have this conversation with me. I should have had this conversation months ago." Suddenly it's like damn has burst and she falls to the ground crying and it's only when he hears a concerned gasp from Sloan that he remembers the economist is still there. He asks her to leave because she's Mac and he's Will and he's the only one who gets to see the beautiful EP this way.

Will scoops up Mac and carries her to her bedroom and it's then when she's sobbing into the sheets that he notices all that he's caused. The woman is too thin and too pale. She has dark purple bags under red-rimmed eyes. He's caused this and he hates himself for it and when the sobbing finally subsides he tries to start the conversation that will hopefully put a mend to all he has done.

"Okay Mac, now that your calm we can finally have that talk."

"Fine. Just lay it on me. I'm too tired to even fight this anymore."

"Originally I took you cheating in me as a rejection and it really hurt. It hurt more I think, than anything I have ever experience except maybe that by my father's hand." Oh yeah Will, this was really the way to start the conversation. He can see her eyes grow even dimmer and now he's scared because he really needs to replenish the light before it's completely gone. "I didn't know how to forgive you or even if I wanted to and I think that scared me a little because I always thought I could forgive you for anything. I mean you're my Mac."

"I am so fucking sorry William. You have to know that. I am so sorry. I am more sorry for those for months than anything in my entire and I would do anything to erase it. For fuck sake I would rather swim in a beach completely surrounded by jellyfish than ever see the look on your when I finally came clean again." And he doesn't know why but this time he really believes her and he think that might be what's different from this apology then others. Finally after five years, after countless tears, after all the empty bottles of bourbon he finally is able to accept her apology.

"Abe junior however made me come to the realisation that you didn't reject me… you betrayed me and he was right. It was until I fully came to that realisation that I could begin to move on." It's not until his greatest fear is realised and the light, the Macness has gone out of her eyes does he comprehend what he's just said. He needs to correct this because she's gone into a world of her own and he needs her to come back.

"Mac." Empty.

"Mac, that's not what I meant." Dead. "

Kenzie, I haven't moved on." Nothing.

"I love you Mackenzie Morgan McHale." Everything.

No matter what other may think this was not the way Will has planned to spend his evening. Then again he should have none better because for him everything ends with Mackenzie.

Still to be continued.


	6. Sloan

Sloan would be the first to admit that she's never had a best friend. But when Jim calls her asking her to go check on Mackenzie because she's heartbroken and he's not there, she does the honourable thing and brings the woman a bottle of Vodka.

Just because she's never had a best friend it doesn't mean she doesn't want one.

"Jim, shouldn't you be talking to campaign managers or something not calling me at dinner time." Was it not enough that she had to put up with the Maggie/Jim/Don struggle at work was it really something that need to be brought home.

"It's about Kenz." And with that he had her attention. "She called me the other day distraught over William and that Nina Whore Howard and I'm really worried about her."

"I haven't really seen her Jimbo if you were calling for a minute by minute rundown of what she's been up to."

"How have you not seen her? You work together ever night. What option do you have but to see her?" She can hear the frantic tone to the young mans voice and he wishes she could help really she does because she loves Mackenzie as well but she can't do the impossible and she really hasn't seen her.

"She's hasn't been to work Jim. She called in sick for the past few days and then today only made it in to the office for like 20 minutes but then once she spoke to…" Suddenly it all hits her. She was talking to Will and that's why she had left in a hurry because once again Will had broken her heart. She loves Will like a brother but she suddenly is filled with the deep desire to clobber him over the head with something hard because is he stupid? Is he really blind to the love he and Mac share and good god man, what is he doing with Nina Fucking Howard!?

"She spoke to him didn't she?" And none of them need to say the name because it's the only person who could possibly break Mac in this way and this short of amount space. "I'm going to fucking kill him. How dare he hurt my sister. How. Dare. He."

And as much as she shares the idea that McAvoy deserves some seriously heinous punishment she does feel the need to somewhat come to his defence- before Jim does some indictable offence like murder.

"Okay, calm down Jim. I don't think Will does these thing to intentionally hurt Mac, I just he forget sometimes that… you know… he hold her heart and shit."

"Wow, Sloan, 'holds her heart and shit', how poetic? Did you steal that off Shakespeare or was that a Sabbith original?"

"Shut up dirt bag! How do we help Mac? I think that's where we need to concentrate our efforts." Because she's never had a best friend but she likes Mac – loves her even and if she needs a friend then Sloan right in line behind Jim.

"God, I wish I was there." She can hear him sigh and she feels bad. She really does because she'll probably never know Mac like Jim does and it occurs to her that they've been through things that nobody else has and maybe that who the EP needs most. "You're going to have to go in my place."

"But, I suck with people. Like, I really fucking suck." Sloan's inability to read social skills in no hidden secret and she really think Jim should revaluate his plan. "I will only make shit worse."

"Having you go over there and make sure she's doesn't die from alcoholism seems more important." Well when you put it that way.

"Okay, okay, I get it. She needs help even if it's from someone with the same ability to interpret social cue as Sheldon Cooper that you're sending."

It was that conversation that leads Sloan to where she was now- being questioned on how to move on from the love from a completely inebriated Mackenzie McHale.

"Okay, that's enough alcohol for you." She evades the answer because she's not sure how to answer. She's never really been properly in love and this thing with Don is… well to be honest its not technically a thing. Not yet.

"No, but seriously how do you start to move on?" It turns out Kenzie can't let it go and Sloan tries to come up with the best thing she can. She think about her and Will's situation and tries to come up with something to say.

"I don't think you do Mac. I think you always love them." She hopes this is the end of the conversation because Mac looks as though she just summoned her an emotional death wish and she supposes if Will doesn't get his shit together and doesn't get it together soon she has.

"I used to love Mondays. What the fuck happened"

"You found out through page 6 that the man you have been in love with for 7 years is dating the same leggy blonde that was planning on writing a take down piece about you. Sorry." She really didn't think that through did she? This whole fix-Mac Mission is much harder than she anticipated and she wonders what pipe Jim was smoking to possibly send her here.

"Now I can't wait for Friday's to roll around so I can get drunk enough to forget about Will."

"Give it time Mac. I'm sure they won't last. I mean, really, she's a gossip columnist and sooner or later she'll do something to make Will realise she's not civilised." And that has to happen because really if Mac and Will can't make it then what chance does Sloan and the rest of the mere civilians have of finding love? Will and Mac are a done deal, they are meant to be… inevitable.

"Or she'll go and be perfect and they'll have adorable as fuck blonde babies."

"Yeah, I suppose that could happen too. Sorry. Again." Come on Sloan think of anything to cheer the crying brunette up. "Tell me about when you first met." Oh yeah, make her talk about how she met the man she has been crying over for the past week, what a fucking swell and flawless idea.

"When I first saw him it was his eyes. They were so warm and intoxicating and god I couldn't tell you the first thing he ever said to me because I was so deeply lost in those eyes. Then about a week after we first met we had out first argument- he was a republican and pro George Bush and I actually thought I was going to kill him but then I don't know the debate was just so good and he could argue so well that before I knew it I had totally fallen for him. Hook, line and sinker he had me. Of course he was a perfect gentlemen and for the next month bought me my favourite flowers and coffee every morning and then finally exactly 6 weeks after we were first introduced he asked me out for dinner."

"And the rest is history." What the fuck was that, Sloan? Why did you say that to your best friend when she's crying and desperate?

"Yeah, unfortunately the rest is still only history."

"Mac. It's me. Please open the door." Suddenly she can hear angels chorusing in the background because Will has arrived and surely after today he can't be here for any other reason than to fix Mac and seriously what is Sloan even doing here? She's sure one kiss form Prince McAvoy Charming over there is all Mac really needs. When she notices the fact that Mac has been transported into a world of her own and has no plan to open the door she jumps up out of her chair to do the honour herself.

"What do you want Will? What are you doing here?" It doesn't seem like Mac agrees and the absolute devastation in her eyes is making Sloan feel like opening that door was not the wisest solution.

"I came to talk to you."

"I don't really feel in the mood to talk to you William." She can't really blame Kenzie either because honestly how much can the girl really take and if this was Sloan she would have just given up long ago. "Not after the past few days okay."

"Well that's too bad because I left earlier when I should have stayed and made you have this conversation with me. I should have had this conversation months ago." It right as those words leave Will's mouth that Sloan witnesses something she thought she never would. The complete and utter breakdown of Mackenzie McHale. It's not the image of the 38 year woman lying on the floor huddled in a ball tears streaming unrelentingly down her face that stays with Sloan the most – it's the sounds exuding from said woman. They are wild and animalistic and it's as though every bone, muscles and organ are under a physical assault. It's the sound of a broken woman.

"Sloan I think you should go, I have this." He's not looking at her as he said this all his attention placed on the shattered shell of her EP and she knows at this moment everything will be okay. She's not sure how she knows this because logically it could go either way but she can tell with some unknown certainty that it will all work out. Maybe not in the next five minutes, maybe not tonight (although she's very much hoping so) but soon because the look in Will's eye is such one of concern that you know a reunion can't be very far off.

She rushes out the door and hails a cab and in this moment she's glad she's left most of the alcohol alone. Once she gives the driver her address she whips out her phone and call Jim. He, as the dutiful best friend/adoptive brother, answers almost immediately.

"How is she? Why aren't you still there? It's still pretty early?" The question are rapid fire and she has to stop herself from shouting at him to shut up.

"Calm the fuck down Jim." Okay so she tried and failed- sue her. "Will's with her."

"Are you fucking out of your mind Sloan!? Oh Will's with her- yeah that makes me feel a whole lot better." Even Sloan understands the blatant sarcasm echoing in Jim's words. "What a fucking flawless plan? What could possibly wrong other than him breaking her heart even more!?"

"Oh relax vomit bag, he's not going to do anything! He's totally going to help her."

"I'm going to call her an-"

"Don't you even fucking think about it Harper! Their grownups and they need to figure this out. She loves him and he loves her and if they are going to work out then they need to have this conversation." There's a long silence and she's starting to think she's been hung up on when he finally rellies.

"Fine but if something happens…"

"Then I will be the first person killed." She hangs up and she hopes she's don't the right thing because if she hasn't and Mac is hurt in an little way then she's afraid Harper might just go through with that promise. Most of all though she want's everything to be okay because she feels bad for her beloved EP and Managing Editor and two people deserve to work it out it's them.

Sloan would be the first to admit that she's never had a best friend. But when Jim calls her asking her to go check on Mackenzie because she's heartbroken and he's not there, she does the honourable thing and brings the woman a bottle of Vodka.

Just because she's never had a best friend it doesn't mean she doesn't want one.


	7. Mac

Mackenzie's evening had been a surprise. A complete, out of left field, never to be expected, surprise. It caused a trifecta of emotions; there was sadness, anger and bliss. It was a beginning, middle and an end.

It didn't happen often but every now and then Mackenzie falters. It's rarely by very much, or enough to raise any red flags but every now and then it happens in all different ways. Take five years ago, she faltered for just a moment in her love for William and ended up sleeping with her douche bag ex boyfriend. She then faltered again after William left that voicemail and by convincing herself that he must be in love with her. Right this very second however she had given up.

What was the point in fighting Will against having this talk when she wasn't going to win? She was tired and not a tired she had ever really experienced before. She was bone dead, there's never going to be enough time to sleep tired. This wasn't I've had a long day exhaustion, this was I've had a long year exhaustion. A year full of heartbreak, soul crushing disappointment because she is in love and unrequited and it's all her own fucking fault. It's why she hates faltering because to her it's a big deal. It's a bug deal that Will has moved on and it's a big deal that she can't. She doesn't want to falter and she doesn't want to give up but honestly she can't figure a way out of this conversation either so she'll just have to admit defeat.

"Fine. Just lay it on me." She hopes she sounds tough enough to make it come across as though she's not quite as hopeless as she currently is but it's probably pointless because Will has always been able to read her so much better than anyone else. Really why bother? "I'm too tired to even fight this anymore."

""Originally I took you cheating in me as a rejection and it really hurt. It hurt more I think, than anything I have ever experience except maybe that by my father's hand." She knows, deep down, that she probably deserves that, it's something that over the past five years she has though long and hard about but hearing it come from Will's own mouth hurt her in a ways she wasn't expecting. It was if 50 million pins were being stabbed in her eye and she was waiting for them to extract them one by one. "I didn't know how to forgive you or even if I wanted to and I think that scared me a little because I always thought I could forgive you for anything. I mean you're my Mac." She really was just the worst type of person. Here she was, lucky enough to have the greatest boyfriend in the world who had opened up to her about his tortured childhood and what had she done; twisted the knife in that very spot.

"I am so fucking sorry William. You have to know that. I am so sorry. I am more sorry for those for months than anything in my entire and I would do anything to erase it. For fuck sake I would rather swim in a beach completely surrounded by jellyfish than ever see the look on your when I finally came clean again." Mac has never been one to apologize, she never really had to, but if she has to apologize to Will every day for the rest of their life she just might if it meant having him back. There wasn't much she wouldn't consider just to fell the sensation of his mouth on hers.

"Abe junior however made me come to the realization that you didn't reject me… you betrayed me and he was right. It was until I fully came to that realization that I could begin to move on."

The world had to have stopped revolving.

Or shifted off it axis.

Or just imploded.

Surely, in no world, no universe where Will McAvoy no longer loved Mackenzie McHale, a time and place was he able to move on from her, could there not be mass destruction or war or conflict or something to represent her pain. At the very least he world has ended. There aren't just mass casualties like her heart and her liver but complete annihilation of her everything, her soul. She's not sure she can really feel anything at this point, she concentrating too hard on making sure her heart is beating and her lungs are taking in oxygen because surely this is what dying feels like as there couldn't possibly be anything more painful than William Duncan McAvoy not loving you.

She can see Will's lips moving but she can't hear anything, her brain has moved all it's power somewhere else and she's not really sure she wants to hear anymore because he's moved on and what else it there to possibly say.

"I love you Mackenzie Morgan McHale." Well, there is that. It was when those words finally sunk it, their full meaning, the entire context, which her anger began to fester. More potent than her regret and more overt than her guilt, it quickly became her weakness. It was like cocaine; a fuelled frenzied outburst and before Will had time to say anything more, an angry distraught Mac had been unleashed.

"It's been five year William! Five fucking years since I heard you say those magical word and you decide to tell me now? NOW? Whilst you're fucking some blonde bimbo and I'm getting drunk out of mind in order to not remember! That's when you tell me a pack of lies like you being in love with me."

"Kenzi-"

"No, you won't fucking Kenzie your way out of this! Other than the first two, where I only sent you emails, in order to let you lick your wounds and begin to heal, I have spent since the moment I hurt you trying to repent. I have rebuilt and fixed your entire news show. I watched you date slutty cheerleaders and desperate MILF's and crazy gun carriers, all hoping that one day, one day in some distant future you would choose to forgive me and I wouldn't be stuck deserving douche bags like Wade. But now, after all that you decide to tell me you love me, whilst dating the same woman who not only told me you didn't love me but also planned on writing a story about how I almost had my team killed in Islamabad. The same place where I was stabbed in the stomach and almost killed myself, trying to save those very people." Mac wasn't sure where this was coming from only that it was the truth. She did love him and she did want to be with him but would he ever stop hurting her. She'd been through so much pain by her own hand already, for fuck sake, she had moved to a fucking war zone where people got blown up on an almost daily basis, and he thought she deserved more. She couldn't handle anything else, either physically or emotionally. "You think your words have no effect on me William, but they do. Look you need to leave because I'm not this kind of girl. I'm not the one who cries and falls apart and needs her ex-boyfriend to come and save her."

"Yes, well, that's always been the problem with you, hasn't it? Always too proud to accept anything, even love, from anyone." Here they were again. Back to the cheating, no wonder she wasn't going to believe he loved her again.

"Well, I wasn't to proud to come here, begging for your forgiveness, was I?" God, she really needs to stop, to take a time out because she was very close to saying something she didn't mean and would later regret.

"That's true you did come here for my forgiveness and I want to give it to you. I do, and I really think I can but I need you to tell me why?" She didn't know what was more surprising; the fact that he might forgive her or that he doesn't know why she wants him to. Either way it doesn't matter because he's with Nina and she wants to be anywhere but in a world with a Nina McAvoy. "Why do you want forgiveness so badly?"

"It doesn't matter William. Not anymore because you're with Nina and whether or not you forgive me, I'm still going to be in pain. I'm still going to be hurt and I ca-"

"Nina and I broke up." It's suddenly like all the color has gone back into the world. She's pretty sure the rain has cleared outside and birds are singing and she feels more sober than she has in her entire life and there's no more William and Nina and she has hope.

"What?"

"I mean, sort of, if you call what Nina and I had a relationship. It was wrong and I did it for the wrong reasons and neither you nor Nina deserved what I did."

"Why did you break up?" Because she has to know if it has anything to do with her because if it does…

"I'll tell you when after you answer my question." In all the chaos she's forgotten what it was. "Why did you come back for my forgiveness?"

"Because I miss it and I'll never find it with anyone else."

"What do you mean 'it'?" She can tell he's confused and to be honest so is she because other than being in complete and utter love with him she's really never thought about why she came back only that she did.

"The whole package, you know? That person, that couple life. I hate to admit it because I fancy myself wonder woman but I missed it and I missed you and I really want it. The whole package." It was nice to finally get out the truth. To finally really be able to tell Will that he really was it for her, that there wasn't going to be anyone else at any other time. This was her one great, true love and she wanted it back because she didn't want things to turn out this way no matter how many selfish mistakes she made. "Please William, give me the whole package." She finally stops and falls back on the bed that some time during her outburst she had stormed away from. She starts to cry but before she can really get the waterworks going Will pulls her into her arms. She feels so at home there, wrapped in his arms, the smell of man and gin and just Will invading her senses.

"I really want to Mac. I am and have been trying so hard to forgive you but I'm having trouble and it so confusing because I want nothing more than to be with you. I love you." She can hear the heart break in her voice and she doesn't know what to do. It's a stalemate. He can't forgive her. He can't move on. Surely this can't be the end. After all they have been through, after the past 3 years of working side by side surely they can move on. "I once saw this story, it was on Katie Couric or something, and there was this couple and because of some misunderstanding they broke up for like 40 year and then got back together after both their partners had died. I don't want that to be us. I want to have a middle. I don't want to have any other end than an end to hurting you but I can't do that until I can say that I forgive you. To do that I need to know how to forgive you."

She's about to give up, falter once more but she really doesn't want this to be the end but unlike Will she sure as fuck doesn't want this the middle. She wants a beginning she wants a fresh start. Struck with an idea, a desperate idea but one nonetheless she pulls out a phone and goes to dial a number, then she pauses. If they are going to do this then they are going to do it right. She was going to learn about Nina first. "Why did you and Nina break up?"

"What?"

"You said if i explained why I returned other than the obvious, I am deep, madly in love with you then you would tell me about you and Nina."

"I-I- She broke broke up with me." She's not sure if she's still breathing because the feeling akin to a baseball bat in the stomach has returned. He was meant to have left her because he realized that he couldn't be worth anyone but her. She wasn't meant to be his second choice. He looked like he wanted to say more and as much as she didn't want to hear it, she would never be able to say no to WIll McAvoy. "She realized how much I am in love with you and she didn't want- should never have been played. Look, I was a jerk. I was in love with you basically from the time you came back and I still am but I got scared because I haven't forgiven you and I want to and I am so confused and I need help because I repeat I need to know how to forgive you."

So he does love her and he does want to be with her. Time to go through with her plan. She's once again grabs her phone and has never been more thankful for being a doing a segment for this particular issue in her life. "Hi, I would like to book an appointment. Yes, a tattoo. Where? Just over my chest where my heart lies. Property of Will McAvoy. Yes, 10am tomorrow. I'll be there, thank you."

"You just…" The shocked look on his face is almost humorous and if she didn't feel like she waiting to hear whether or not she was getting the death penalty she might laugh.

"I just what?"

"You hate tattoos? You have a fear of needles? Why would you…?"

"Do that? I'm doing it because I love you and I'm so sorry for all my past mistakes but that's over now. Our life was just so domestic and that made me claustrophobic. Now though? Well now I'm simply letting you claim what is yours; my heart."

It's happening; she can feel his breathe on her neck and his hands are dangerously close to her breast and its happening, their happening. Finally (after what feels like a lifetime but was probably seconds) his lips land on hers and it's so much better than she remembers and she finally gets that feeling; the feeling that was never there with Wade or Brian. Because with everyone else she never go the feeling that this was the man she was meant to kiss forever but Will- Oh god Will, she doesn't not only doesn't want to kiss any other man, she never wants to not kiss Will. He suddenly deepens the kiss and with that the world is gone, everything but his lips have become hazy and the only thing she can focus on is him (and his lips and his wandering hands). She really loves this feeling and she doesn't know whether she wants to laugh or cry because she feels so lucky to find him again yet so scared she might lose him if she lets go for just a second. He breaks off the kiss and smiles at her and with that smile she know, she just knows that this is forever, that finally after a what feels like a lifetime of waiting and 5 years of dreaming, finally-

"I forgive you Mac. Welcome to our beginning."

Mackenzie's evening had been a surprise. A complete, out of left field, never to be expected, surprise. It caused a trifecta of emotions; there was sadness, anger and bliss. It was a beginning, middle and an end.

Just who said anything about it being in that order?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't lie. I did steal the Katie Couric thing from Amy Sherman Palladino.


	8. Wil

Not Mine

Will McAvoy's night ended and began in the exact same place. His favorite place in maybe the whole world. It started and finished in a home that he hadn't returned to in quite some time.

Mackenzie Morgan McHale's bed.

It's been five year William! Five fucking years since I heard you say those magical word and you decide to tell me now? NOW? Whilst you're fucking some blonde bimbo and I'm getting drunk out of mind in order to not remember! That's when you tell me a pack f lie like you being in love with me." If she would just stop for five seconds then perhaps he could explain. He's in love with her, always has been and as soon as he can talk to her, as soon as they can wade (god, he hopes he never has to hear that word again) through all the crap between them then they can finally be together. God if only he could get her attention.

"Kenzi-"

"No, you won't fucking Kenzie your way out of this! Other than the first two, where I only sent you emails, in order to let you lick your wounds and begin to heal, I have spent the last five years, since the moment I hurt you trying to repent. I have rebuilt and fixed your entire news show. I watched you date slutty cheerleaders and desperate MILF's and crazy gun carriers, all hoping that one day, one day in some distant future you would choose to forgive me and I wouldn't be stuck deserving douche bags like Wade." He wants to scream that she doesn't deserve someone like Wade- god she barely deserves to only have him after the past few years but he can't seem to stop her and he hold back for now. Only for now though because he won't allow her to hate herself forever. "But now, after all that you decide to tell me you love me, whilst dating the same woman who not only told me you didn't love me but also planned on writing a story about how I almost had my team killed in Islamabad. The same place where I was stabbed in the stomach and almost killed myself, trying to save those very people. You think your words have no effect on me William, but they do. Look you need to leave because I'm not this kind of girl. I'm not the one who cries and falls apart and needs her ex-boyfriend to come and save her." Suddenly he's angry because sure he's put her through a lot but so did she! She can't use her issues, her problems with commitment against him now. Maybe she doesn't want to need him but he doesn't really want to need her but he does and she needs him and maybe just maybe if she had let him in fully the first time none of this would have happened.

"Yes, well, that's always been the problem with you, hasn't it? Always too proud to accept anything, even love, from anyone."

"Well, I wasn't to proud to come here, begging for your forgiveness, was I?" She had been too hadn't she. Until recently she had apologized almost every day and even now he could see the regret living in her eyes. He didn't understand why though. Why did she come back? Why did she decide now that they were worth it? Why couldn't she fight for them before she cheated? It occurs to him that if he wants them to work out this time, and he does because he dreams of a wife and kids and a Mac and a forever, then he really should know these things and iron them out and make sure neither of them can run again.

"That's true you did come here for my forgiveness and I want to give it to you. I do, and I really think I can but I need you to tell me why?Why do you want forgiveness so badly?"

"It doesn't matter William. Not anymore because you're with Nina and whether or not you forgive me, I'm still going to be in pain. I'm still going to be hurt and I ca-"

"Nina and I broke up." And it's such a gross injustice she's only hearing this now... or that she has to hear anything about him and Nina at all.

"What?" He's not sure if she didn't him or if she just can't comprehend it but he's betting on the latter.

"I mean, sort of, if you call what Nina and I had a relationship. It was wrong and I did it for the wrong reasons and neither you nor Nina deserved what I did." Once again true. Because sure she hurt him, a lot, more than anybody else has ever hurt him before and in place he never expected it but that doesn't excuse Will for all the time he twisted the knife in her stomach.

"Why did you break up?" He won't tell her now. He's not sure he can get the words out and he needs time if only a few minutes and he needs answers from her and they are important.

"I'll tell you when after you answer my question. Why did you come back for my forgiveness?"

"Because I miss it and I'll never find it with anyone else." If he's meant to have clue to what's she talked about then he's drawing a blank.

"What do you mean 'it'?"

"The whole package, you know? That person, that couple life. I hate to admit it because I fancy myself wonder woman but I missed it and I missed you and I really want it. The whole package. Please William, give me the whole package." By the time she finishes she's back on the bed and crying and the full look that was in her eyes when she heard he had broken up with Nina were gone. His heart is breaking again too because he loves and he hates to see her in pain and it hurts that he can't out an end to it at least not yet because if they don't figure this out then he has a feeling they'll break harder later on down the road. He can't have that happen. He won't.

"I really want to Mac. I am and have been trying so hard to forgive you but I'm having trouble and it so confusing because I want nothing more than to be with you. I love you. I once saw this story, it was on Katie Couric or something, and there was this couple and because of some misunderstanding they broke up for like 40 year and then got back together after both their partners had died. I don't want that to be us. I want to have a middle. I don't want to have any other end than an end to hurting you but I can't do that until I can say that I forgive you. To do that I need to know how to forgive you." Now he's actually crying because god when they become so messed up and this was all so easy when they first met and now it's hard and he's starting to lose faith because what if he can't forgive her, then what? He won't move on; he can't move on yet he can't imagine living in this, perdition of a life without kissing Mac, forever.

Suddenly the light has returned to Mac's eyes and it gives him hope because maybe just for the next ten second he can stop fighting for them. Maybe now she will and he thinks this is what will make them work. Last time it was him fighting all the time, partly because he never let her and eventually he grew tired, but not now because she has her phone in her hand and it looks like a sword but before she uses it she seems to need confirmation on something.

"Why did you and Nina break up?" Well, he's had his minutes and now he has to formulate an answer. He has to make his mouth move and his vocal chord co operate. God, life is hard.

"What?" Okay,so he'll put it off if only for a few more seconds.

"You said if i explained why I returned other than the obvious, I am deep, madly in love with you then you would tell me about you and Nina."

Here goes nothing.

"I-I- She broke broke up with me. She realized how much I am in love with you and she didn't want- should never have been played. Look, I was a jerk. I was in love with you basically from the time you came back and I still am but I got scared because I haven't forgiven you and I want to and I am so confused and I need help because I repeat I need to know how to forgive you."

Whatever she previously needed conformation she must have gotten because the phone is back and she's dialing a number and he hopes it can save them, he prays it's the 911 of their relationship because they need some serious resuscitation before their souls die on the table.

"Hi, I would like to book an appointment. Yes, a tattoo." She can't possibly be getting what she's getting...

"Where? Just over my chest where my heart lies." No...

"Property of Will McAvoy." She's really not saying...

Yes, 10am tomorrow. I'll be there, thank you." In such a permanent, marriage and kids and forever kind of way...

"You just…"

"I just what?"

"You hate tattoos? You have a fear of needles? Why would you…?" Because he needs to confirmation that that jus happened because sure he knew she loved him but that much? Well, that was like her actually swimming with jellyfish except 1000 times more personal because nobody else knows about her fear of needles. It's not something she like to share with anyone but whom she trusts...

"Do that? I'm doing it because I love you and I'm so sorry for all my past mistakes but that's over now. Our life was just so domestic and that made me claustrophobic. Now though? Well now I'm simply letting you claim what is yours; my heart."

And that when it hits him. She does trust him and she does love him and so much so and suddenly it's enough and suddenly there's a big wide future and this isn't an end or a middle but a beginning because WillandMac 2.0 shall now begin.

He wastes no time in kissing her and yes it's just as amazing as he remembers(and good god does he remember), and within seconds their kissing soon turns into a frenzy and he pushing her against a wall and she's moaning (and at this point they've forgotten that both Nina and Brian and the cheating) and they are both in absolute heaven. It's only when they need air (and even then they tried to just keep going) or else one of them going to faint (and Will won't be the cause of Mac's hurt anymore-even if she'll happily faint if it means more time shared with his lips because she'd happily have a relationship with nothing but his lips they are that good) do they finally pull apart. Suddenly realizing what just happened (no regret just fully understanding what his actions means) he suddenly manages to find his voice and speak up

"I forgive you Mac. Welcome to our beginning."

He lies down and pulls her into his arms and just as they begin to dose off a little (the alcohol and the little sleep ad the fighting and the making up finally taking their toll) Mac grabs at Will's arm desperate for his attention.

"I love you William and I'm so proud to participate."

Will McAvoy's night ended and began in the exact same place. His favorite place in maybe the whole world. It started and finished in a home that he hadn't returned to in quite some time.

Mackenzie Morgan McHale's bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... how was that. I have one more chapter to go and that's like an epilogue basically. You know what? If I get some reviews I might even have it done within the next 24 hours ;)
> 
> Also people if you read the previous chapter (Mac 3) before today then reread it because I edited it slightly... anyway I love you all and now go and review this story and make my evening just a little better :) xxxx


	9. Epilogue - Charlie

Not mine and all that disclaimer crap. Sorry that it's short but I mean really there wasn't really any plot left.

EPILOUGE

When Charlie Skinner walked into the newsroom he knew something was different. He couldn't tell you exactly what but there was something. It was as though the air was different. As though there'd been all this pollution but now suddenly it was gone and everything that had previously been dying could come back alive. The joy that overflowed those offices made Charlie half expect people to break out into song.

Then he saw them.

"So, dinner tonight?" At first he hadn't been quite sure that what he was witnessing could possibly be occurring. Maybe he really should lay off the sauce?

"Billy, I would have dinner with you every night there really is no need to ask."

Okay so he heard that but that couldn't possibly mean…

"Still, asking you out will never ever get old. I could do it all night long."

Yes, it was happening and if the words hadn't confirmed it the smile on Will's face certainly did. Not his usual I-just-won-an-argument smiles either but a real I-am-happy smile. Something that Charlie hadn't seen on that particular man in quite some time and was he ever happy that he was now. William deserved it, he'd had a hard life, and harder than most men twice his age and yet he deserved it less. Will McAvoy was a good guy and in the world of journalism that wasn't as easily found.

"Oh, I know you can do it all night long."

God, he doesn't think he's ever heard Mac speak like that but she is and it's because of Will and in any other circumstance he'd be appalled and telling her to stop but he's just so happy for them they he can't bring himself to burst their moment.

"Yes… well… as happy as I am that your satisfied with my libido there really isn't any reason to let the office know."

He remembers when he'd first introduced them. He's pretty sure Will was more interested in her legs than anything but then he'd heard her talk and Charlie could tell he was instantly falling in love with her. It couldn't have been more than a week later and Will couldn't stop talking to her or about her. It's all Charlie heard about for months; Mac this and Mac that. Then she'd cheated on him and honestly Charlie thought they'd never recover and not just as a couple but people. Will was dead inside transforming in to a zombie anchor and she was in a war zone being stabbed and almost killed on a semi-regular basis.

"Yes, yes, yes. Tonight?"

Then one day he had gotten a desperate call from a desperate Mac crying because she really couldn't handle this anymore and she was tired and alone and tired of being alone and this war life was just too much. Charlie had never heard her like that before and he instantly got her transported back, which afterwards she'd tried to tell him that she didn't need a job that she'd find somewhere but she hadn't and as insulting as it was, secretly Charlie was a little glad. Charlie need Will and Will needed Mac and Mac needed him back and it was a nice little circle of happiness they were making for each other and now look that them. Flirting and dinner and hopefully a forever.

"Meet you at your office at the end of the show."

Charlie really hopes it works out for them because he sees them both, in particular Will, as his own kids and he really hopes to get some grandchildren out of this reunion. They would both make such fabulous parents; with Mac's grammar skills, Will's previous sport ability and their combined genius IQ surely any miniature them's would be able to take over the world. He really does love the sound of that because it would make them happy and they really do deserve it after everything they've been through to get here.

"I'll be waiting."

He's pretty sure Mac doesn't just mean for dinner because he's also pretty sure that now that she has him again Will couldn't beat her off with a baseball bat. The last few days, ever since that goddamn page 6 scoop, this newsroom had been even more topsy turvey than usual and often reached the crazy level only ever surpassed by Lewis Carroll. Charlie's not sure what happened to Nina, he really isn't but whatever it was that she and Will shared Charlie is glad it's over. She seemed nice- well not completely evil anymore and whilst he wished her the best (as long as she stayed away form his team) he really didn't want 'the best' to be with William. Billy was Mac's.

"Mac?" Skinner can see the love that Will has always had for Mac shine through his eyes and for a moment the head of the news department is convinced the man is going to pull Mac into his office for a bit more of whatever they've been doing at home but he doesn't and for that Charlie is forever thankful. As much as he loves that they are back together there are just some things you can unsee.

"Yes?"

The urge to hug and hi-five his Anchor and EP are almost too strong to resist but somehow he manages to withhold because if they want to keep this quiet, and he doubts that they will be able to for very much longer, then that's the least the usually meddling old man can do for them. To make this easier because as much as he's sure they've talked and forgiven and made up (in every sense of the phrase) this still can't be easy and they could've taken the easy way and jus run away but they didn't and Charlie will always be singing the lord's praises for that one.

"I love you."

This day could actually not get any better and Charlie is basically floating on cloud nine because these two are in love and it's so blatantly obvious and maybe now they can both be cured. Because if Charlie is sure about anything it's that this love that they share is the heart binding, soul fixing, type of adoring love that you see at the end of romantic comedies and it's exactly what they deserve.

They aren't perfect. Their love isn't perfect. However it's pretty damn close.

"Oh Billy, I love you so and I always will."

When Charlie Skinner walked into the newsroom he knew something was different. He couldn't tell you exactly what but there was something. It was as though the air was different. As though there'd been all this pollution but now suddenly it was gone and everything that had previously been dying could come back alive. The joy that overflowed those offices made Charlie half expect people to break out into song.

Charlie was really glad this was a forever type of thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you all think? I know it was short and plot less but come on… where else was I suppose to go and I really felt it needed an ending!
> 
> Oh and did you like the last conversation line… you know from that song… It made me giggle when I wrote it but perhaps you have no soul… if you had a soul you'd review ;)


End file.
